Friday, April 06, 2007

feidler (1992-2007)

feidler (1992)

people that only knew feidler late in life would never guess that he was a holy terror as a young dog, and a big pain in the ass. beware anything in his path. he constantly lunged at me for attention, or whined to go outside. i once caught him by the pond with a whole frog in his mouth, two long green legs dangling from his lips. another afternoon, i spent a full hour chasing him while he pranced, proudly, around the yard with an entire deer leg in his mouth. where he got that raw, bloody leg I have no idea. his crowning glory (probably the happiest day of his life) was chasing 28 turkeys to death – literally, to death – at a neighboring farm. i have spent at least $4,000 on surgeries alone to remove rocks, water chestnuts and other foreign objects from his stomach.

i won’t lie and say i wasn’t relieved when he mellowed out and stopped yanking me down the sidewalks on our walks. he became an overwhelmingly sweet and peaceful dog. a 65-pound lap dog with no business being on your lap. he’s a leaner. he loves anything that squeaks. he would spend entire life in the water if he could. he has never, to my knowledge, fetched a ball. as he aged, he became a bonafied old man, passing gas with any effort, and clicking his teeth like dentures. i have a thousand nicknames for him including mr. pooper, poops, rump roast, mud flap, bug, and - when he’s really pissy - commander dickweed. he has lots of people who love him.

feidler, pissed at snow

when i drove to bradford, vermont almost fifteen years ago, i wasn't expecting to come home with a puppy that evening. but something about the way he nibbled on my socked feet, and his little peaked head, sold me on 15 years with him, even before I had the slightest inkling that it would mean 15 years with him, with poop and pee and, apparently, a lot of dead animals and their parts.

feidler's first bath (1992)

today is the day i have been dreading for a long time. feidler, who has long been an old dog, is now a decidedly sick dog. we've done our best to make him comfortable and happy. in the past four months, this has meant giving him sub-cutaneous fluids twice a week, waking up multiple times throughout the night to let him out, and constantly weighing quality of life for an arthritic dog with kidney failure that can no longer tell you what he wants or needs. now though, he's all but quit eating, which was, for me, always the deal breaker. it also twists my heart in improbable ways when my little dog no longer knows me, or his annie. so, i know, it's time.

Feidler, Indian-style

i have experienced sudden death in my family, but not the experience of anticipating death. so i am incredibly grateful to have these weeks with feidler. to have ann photograph me giving him what I knew was his last bath, and to be able to write this while he stumbles past me like a drunken sailor on his way home from the bar. to have the benefit of a vet telling me what to expect, and how it will go, feels like a luxury. it gives me a small but significant fingerhold in this process, instead of a quick snap and sudden call to cope.

when my brother died in 1996, i couldn’t compartmentalize his absence, like the well-defined hole you read about or are somehow taught to expect. it brought my relationship with him, my parents, their relationship- what felt like my entire life at the time- into question. i was a depressed 24-year-old, just out of college, whose sense of herself was as infirm as pudding, and whose relationships were even more so. so i was ill-equipped to reevaluate everything than came with such a comprehensive loss.

Feidler enjoys the balcony

admittedly, feidler walks in smaller circles, touching fewer lives in less complicated ways. and i am happier and more stable than ever. what i do know, at this moment in my life, having had him for almost half my life, is that he’s the closest i come to being a mom. i say that even as someone who was never sure that she wanted to be a mom. i never get tired of looking at his face and at his monstrously large paws. i know every inch of his little body. i can say unequivocally that caring for him has made me a better person, and i am equally sure that i needed to be a better person. i know i have done well. he’s probably the best thing that i’ve ever done. and to experience a life, through him, without regret, is one of the most simple and solid feelings I now know.

Dewberry's

last night we gave feidler a buffet of dog cookies, beef jerky, and tendons and then spent the night with him on the floor. he got a massage and, all things considered, had a pretty good night.

superette will be dark this week, but we'll post lots of photos.


14 comments:

Ashbloem said...

Oh Feidler, I love you so and have missed your stinky butt these past 3 months. I wish I could give you another last kiss. Bye, ol' pooper. ol' pal.

Ashbloem said...

Oh and the kitties say bye and they'll let you to chase them for a while in that treeless field in the sky one day.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. Your dog will always be a part of my life too - I daydream of those pictures of you and he in the hammock...just heavenly. I loved his ears.

He was so loved, obviously.
Because you made good decisions. I am sad for you but very proud of you for putting him first.

Take care. - Pisces sends her toots.

Anonymous said...

You dear sir are a very fuzzy angel with a fro in place of a halo, and two lovily ladies in place of wings. Noah had better expand into building tree houses or no animals will be left in heaven after you get done chasing them. Thank you for gracing us with your sweetness.

Anonymous said...

We loved that dog. He was part of our family. His cousins and aunt and uncle will always remember him as the old man.

Briana E. said...

Oh Feidler, I've only known you for a short 6 years. But you will always be the sweetest and most noble of dogs to me. Kisses from your curly ears to your soft white paws, Briana

Anonymous said...

Feidler, you will be well missed.

Big hugs to both of you, Dabney & Ann.

Anonymous said...

We wish we could have known Feidler in person. We've been fortunate to hear stories of his adventures for years. I know that at this very moment there are 28 turkeys up there saying "Oh no! Here we go again..."
Run and play dear Feidler.

Jeff G said...

Big Hugs Dab & Ann,
I am so sorry about Feidler. He's such a sweet, special guy. I bet he's hopping from cloud puff to cloud puff right now.
Next time it rains, just remember there's a little Feidler drool mixed in there.
Lots of love,
Jeff

Ms. McDade said...

Feidler, without you, I wouldn't have loved the trainwreck that was Chelsea, or the bundle of wiggles that is Monkey. I am a better human because you are the best dog.

I hope you are thoroughly annoying Chelsea on the Great Comfy Sofa in the sky. I imagine your tail is gleefully wacking her in the head as I type this, and I'm sure she's as clueless as ever as to where it's coming from...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart -- and Chelsea's and Monkey's and all my future poochy loves' as well.

You are truly a good boy.

Anonymous said...

I've never been more moved by the loss of a pet. First the loss itself, and then your amazing post. You've got me sniffling over here. Oh, Fiedler. And just the idea of what he meant to you guys. The sadness and the sweetness is a perfect ending.

-Carmen

LP said...

I just read this today. I am so, so sorry. As you know, I feel that I owe my life to the bestest dog ever. Feidler is and always will be a extraordinary.

Such a good boy.

My greatest sympathies and love to you both.

-L.

African Women Empowerment said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Feidler will be missed by many. Zeus sends his sympathies as well.

Anonymous said...

Dear both,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and sorry for the very belated reaction (I'm out travelling). Good old Fiedler. He was a great dog, even though I didn't really got to know him, and I know he'll do well forever in your memories.

All my sympathies and hope you are well.

Pal